Strange-A-Tractor. In Praise Of Simplicity.

They say the best things come in small packages. ‘They’ are obviously idiots. Who needs a tiny Aston Martin, a diminutive yacht or a doll’s house in Kensington? It’s pretty much the same with Lawn Tractors as far as I’m concerned. (Yes, there was a point, see where I was going?)

So. A friend of my Father has just purchased a fabulous new Lawn Tractor. We happened to be round there, there being  Roger and Barbara’s for some drinks and Sunday lunch, in their lovely manor house on the outskirts of a pretty village called Much-Buying-Up-Of-Property-By-Non-Locals-In-The-Wold in the county of ‘NoPoorPeopleShire’, and Roger happened to be talking about their lawn (or lawns I should say, as they are posh enough to have three, a front, a back and one in reserve) and how long it was taking to cut them until he invested in this lovely new Heavy Duty Garden Tractor mower. My father, being a man who has a ‘love that dare not speak it’s name but usually does’, for anything mechanical, asked if we could see it, so Roger took us out to the shed… Well I say shed. this is a large building that could accomodate most of the population of Andora, masquerading as a tool store.

Roger's Shed of Sheds
Roger’s Shed of Sheds

However, he opened the doors and  there it was. A large, shiny Simplicity Conquest SYT500 Garden Tractor (with Striping Roller). My Father fell instantly in love and, for the first time, in a weird coming of age, rite of passage, morsel of petrol-head fuelled oddness, so did I. Head over tyres!

What a hunk! The sleek lines, the bright livery, the rear-roller that creates perfect, Lords cricket pitch worthy stripes? What’s not to drool over? I mean we are talking about, to quote the write-up, “One of the largest cutting-widths (132cm) with one of the most powerful engines found on any domestic yard & garden tractor.”  Hmm. You like that don’t you? Yeah you do. You like that foot-pedal hydrostatic drive that offers smooth, intuitive control of the tractor’s speed in forward and reverse gears, a padded high-back seat, a 23 hp Briggs & Stratton Vanguard Twin Cylinder Engine and soft-grip steering wheel. Yeah baby yeah. My future flashed in front of me…

A Girl and her Tractor
Just a Girl and Her Tractor

So. Me. Liking tractors.   Go figure. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. A ride-on novice strangely attracted to this lovely machine. Strange Attractor is actually a mathematics term meaning, according to Google, “an equation or fractal set representing a complex pattern of behaviour in a chaotic system.” This makes a certain amount of sense if you look at this lawn tractor sitting in the middle of Roger’s totally shambolic shed with its piles of Jaguar hubcaps, golf clubs, croquet equipment, tennis gear and old lawnmower engines. I mean the Simplicity is a perfect piece of mathematic symmetry and class engineering sitting in a messy shed.

And talking of Roger. Would he let me have a go? Would he bungalow. Rotter.

All of which nonsense is simply to lead to one sentence. Simplicity Lawn Tractors are very good, heavy duty and gorgeous and I want one. So what if I have a postage stamp lawn in a townhouse? So what if I have to learn the detailed skill of operating a hydrostatic drive? So what I say is, next birthday Daddy, don’t give me a teensy-weensy package. I want a big, big box with a big red Tractor in it!   See ya.    Holly.

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