OK. It’s election day. I am well aware of that, but Drew swapped blog days with me this week and I am confused about current politics ‘cos what the HECK is it all about, and I am very, very much not in a good place due to other people’s election fever (more of a mild sweat with me) and hordes of people banging on my doors trying hard to tell me how bad the other party are, and how their campaign is crooked and full of lies and defamation when it looks to me as though ALL of them are at it. To make it worse I’ve had UKIP people being bizarre in my street all week and Tepid Tory Tarquin from number 23 is being SO annoying with his Bullingdon Bragging (“I knew Dave when I was Eton you know, snort, snort”). And you know, the only party I really want to support is a summery afternoon one on my lawn with a couple of bottles of prosecco and a nice quiche but the weather has gone all Lib Dem and can’t make up it’s mind so I have decided the way to cheer myself up, and hopefully you into the bargain, is to tell you a few garden and garden machinery related jokes.
Here at MowDirect we like a good joke as well as the next person, but unless the joke has got a garden, a potato or Lawn Mower in it, we’re not really satisfied so here are our particular favourite top five.
1. Silly Gordon
A farm hand in Norwich accidentally overturned his tractor and a trailer of corn. He was upset and shouting and cursing until a farmer’s wife nearby heard the noise and shouted over.
“Hey Gordon calm down. Why not come and have a glass of beer. I’ll help you with the trailer later on.”
“That’s dead nice of you,” Gordon replied. “But I don’t think me Dad ’ll be happy about it”.
“Oh come on. One glass of beer won’t hurt”. She wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“Oh, all right then” Gordon shrugged and gave in, but added “I still don’t think me Dad ’ll be happy about it.
One beer led to another, plus snacks and finally a full ploughman’s lunch, and veventually Gordon thanked the farmer’s wife. “Cheers for that. I feel much better. But I know me Dad is going to be furious.”
“Don’t be silly!” the Farmer’s wife said with a smile. “It’s what neighbours are for”. By the way, where is your Dad?” “Oh” said Gordon…
“He’s under the trailer!”
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2. Chainsaw Trouble
A man walked into a MowDirect and said he had a massive tree to cut down, so he bought a top-of-the-range chainsaw. A couple of days later, he came back in with a complaint.
He said “There’s something wrong with this. I’ve tried and tried to cut down the big oak at the back of my house, but it’s taken me a whole day and I still haven’t finished. It’s not working properly. I want me money back.
Our technician said, “All right, Sir I’ll check it out “. He switched it on and the customer jumped several feet in the air shouting “Flipping ‘eck, what’s that noise?”
3. Turf Luck
Our Nick, from East Yorkshire, was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, when a lorry went by carrying a huge load of rolls of turf.
“I’ll tell ye what”, he said, “I’m gonna do that when I make me fortune.”
‘What’s that? ‘ asked his mate.
“Send me lawn away to be cut”, answered Nick.
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4. Kindness Personified
Our CEO is very generous. I asked him if I could use his lawn mower and he said “Yes, as long as you don’t take it out of my garden.”
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5. Buried Treasure
A prisoner got a letter from his wife: “Dear Andy, I’m going to plant some potatoes at the allotment, by the greenhouse, but the ground is very hard. When is the best time to do it?”
Andy sent one back, sharpish “Dear Moira don’t touch that plot. That is where I hid the money.”
A week later, he got another letter: “Dear Andy. You won’t believe it. They must have read your letter. Special Branch and some constables turned up with shovels and dug up that plot. They didn’t find the money though.”
Andy wrote another letter back. “Dear Moira, what money? You can go ahead and plant the potatoes now.”
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LOL … and relax. Well I hope they cheered you up. They did me. Now listen. I know I moaned about politics but, in all honesty, you can only moan about it if you are in it so don’t forget to put your mark on that piece of paper… and when you’ve paid the bar bill, go and vote. Va Va Voom. I’m off now. Good luck. See ya! Holly.
