Personally, I’ve never been that keen on Cockney rhyming slang. It seems rather divisive. Why should Cockneys have all the slang? And the frames of reference, of course, are rather archaic and old-fashioned now. Of course we all know that the phrase ‘Avin a Butcher’s’ is having a look, from Butchers Hook = Look, that ‘My Old Dutch’ is from Dutch Plate = Mate, and my favourite of course, ‘Garn dan the old Rub’ refers to Rub-A-Dub = Pub, but there are so many great words and phrases that don’t have rhyming slang attached it seems a bit pointless to me.
Like hedge trimming. You see? No cockney rhyming slang for that is there? Or long range pruners or lawn mowers or strimmers, brushcutters or deadheading or anything else that brings outdoor, flora orientated joy to the world. Unless we start making them up. Let’s see… Bread and Butter – Hedgecutter? No. It just won’t do.
Like my old friend Paintbrush Pedro, sketcher, drinker, story-teller and forger of minor masterpieces, I have always rather preferred ‘Surrealist rhyming slang’. E.g. Apples & Pears = Articulated Lorry, Plates of Meat = Badgers. He claims this was originally invented by Salvador Dali one evening in a café in Barcelona shouting scatological and genealogical insults at his former surrealist friends, now detractors, and then insisting his jibes meant something else when the gentlemen in question came over to give him a good surrealist thumping. I don’t really trust Paintbrush Pedro’s provenance (he claims to have met a distant relative of Dali in a KFC in Middlesborough who told him the story in return for a portion of fries), but it’s wonderful to watch him ordering in a restaurant, asking for a ‘Dish of spaghetti’ then explaining that he’s actually just after a large brandy and soda. He also claimed to have been shown a picture of Dali mowing his lawn. Random. Hmmm. Wonder what Salvador Dali’s Lawn Mower would be like…
Salvador Dali’s Lawn Mower
Hmm… anyhow. I digress. To my garden. I have been a-pruning and a-hedging recently, giving some central growing space to my apple and pears – not the stairs but the trees – and trimming some of the excess fat off my privets. As Dick was saying yesterday, this is a good time to tackle those rather overgrown hedges and to make sure you have a good hedgecutter to hand. Well, I tried this one recently and it’s a godsend.
When it comes to the pruning, however, good long range pruners are a bit of a must. If you have the sense of balance of a donkey on roller-skates, like me, you don’t really want to be found all wibbly-wobbly halfway up a battered old ladder trying to reach high branches just out of reach with something very sharp in your hands, teetering like a hen party on a Friday night in Hull. That’s a recipe for disaster. So, try out something like this long range pruner. No cords, no petrol and it’s dashed effective too. These Lithium-ion batteries are really quite splendid, charge quickly and last longer. Impressive.
Oh, and while I think about it. Give your garden a tiddly. What? You know. Cockney Rhyming slang again… Tidddly Wink = Drink. Yes, some watering might not go amiss. Don’t overdo it but don’t just sprinkle a bit on your plant. That’s no help. You need to well and truly soak the ground near your precious crops to soften the soil so the roots can get right down into it and spread.
I notice Holly has been writing about Wimbledon recently – ‘Quelle surpris’, she is such a socialite – but surprisingly, she actually mentioned stripy lawns and lawnmowers. For a young woman whose brain couldn’t normally power a lightbulb and seems to fill both her house and her head with designer frippery, I’m quite amazed she has started to actually talk about serious matters like this. Go for it Holly, we’ll make a gardener of you yet.
Anyhow, to go back to where we started I am now off down the Frog and Toad to the local Rub-A-Dub for a pint of…er… ah. You see? There is no cockney rhyming slang for a pint of Cooper & Blanding’s Amber Nut-Job…nuff said. Enjoy your garden. Drew Hardy
