Yes. Halloween is here and last night as we ran screaming towards the witching hour, the hordes of darkness, terrifying and ghastly creatures, were abroad roaming the streets, banging on doors and terrifying vulnerable old people into handing over their sweets and chocolate.
Middle aged accountants who should know better wore superhero costumes that probably didn’t fit all that well and someone thought it was clever to knock on my window wearing a hockey mask.
Cocktail bars and pubs were full of ‘special’, dubiously named drink and food menus , many of which were filled with frighteningly inappropriate apostrophes ( Try Our Special Vampire Steak’s) and horror films you have seen a thousand times were crammed on to the TV schedules like zombies in a shopping mall.
So, with apologies to Mr Edgar Allan Poe and his phenomenally spooky poem, The Raven, here is my tribute to Halloween. Ghosts and ghouls and monsters and witches are all very well. But they can’t do anything to help when your lawn mower conks out. So…
The Haven
Once upon a midday gloomy, while the autumn breeze cut through me
And the air was dank and doomy as the tombs of ancient dead
While my mood sank even lower, as I trudged my trusty mower
Cross the lawn towards the sad and sorry former flower bed,
Came a mocking kind of knocking, like an engine that was locking…
From my mower old and red.
Ah, precisely I recall it, t’was the middle of the Fall it
Was so chill and miserable, I blew my hands to warm the blood.
Then my mower with a sputter, and a shocking kind of putter
Slowly slipped into the gutter and lay useless in the mud.
As I tried in vain to rouse it, it lay silent as a mouse it…
Lay as if it was a dud.
All the scraping and the squeaking and the wheels and blades a creaking
Had at last become the death knell of my mower it would seem.
And the graunching after staunching of the leaking oil whilst launching
Were the cries of mower agony in some appalling dream.
Since my skills at mower mending were not held in high esteem…
I would try a different scheme.
I called up a service chappy, with a white van rather crappy,
And a manner rather flappy to come out and fix my mower.
And he banged it and he clanged it and he physically harangued it
And he wanged it with his spanner which he then threw to the floor.
But when asked if it would mow again and work just as before…
Quoth the chappy… “Nevermore!”
So I sent him on his way, with some hourly labour pay
And stood gazing at the day mourning for my mower wrecked.
Then a memory, rather fleeting and which sent my cold heart beating
Switched on, like the central heating, and I knew what to do next.
So I went to my PC, tapped the keys and then with glee…
MowDirect, a gardener’s Haven, great advice and money saving
No more engines misbehaving with your mower sleek and new
So much choice and such great deals, folding handles and high wheels
Now I’ll know just how it feels to own a brand new mower true.
And will I be stuck again with mowers that won’t do the chore?
With this Haven? Nevermore!
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Yup. Spooky prices, scary deals and more halloween puns than you can shake a stake at. This is the place to come for all your Autumn gear.
See ya in Hell….Einhell that is! Don’t forget to check out Dick’s phantasmic Einhell mower blog. Mwwwahahhahahaa! Holly
