Summer Olympics, Winter Olympics – Now The Horticultural Olympics

So. The Olympics are over. What a performance by Team GB. The best ever apparently. Ah. Sad to see the end , no more staying up until 1.30 with an extra bottle of prosecco to watch beautiful, fit people you have never heard of in obscure sports that you have never cared about, wrapped in a flag, climbing up the stands, howling with despair or snivelling with joy.

To be fair, unlike some of the judges, the highlights have been many, Mo Farrer winning the 5000 and 10,000 like he was popping down to the shops,  Laura Trot cycling like mad, Max Whitlock finally proving that British men can be just as lithe and bendy as Eastern Europeans, Usain Bolt running like the wind, and, as mentioned before, lots of judges being universally crap.

Now I want to see a World Horticultural Olympics. Let’s make growing for gold a good as going for gold. here are my top 5 horticultural/garden related Olympic events.

1) Potting the S**t – Yes, let’s get all that manure into our plants and grow for England. We all know that horse dos is the best stuff so spread it on thick and watch those flowering plants grow.

2) Throwing the Gravel In (say it aloud people) Yes. Your partner has been on at you to create a new drive, as the postman keeps falling over and threatening legal action and the puddles that form when it rains make your front garden look like the Stockholm archipelago so it’s time to hire that skip, buy a job lot of proper gravel, fill up those holes, rake it over and make a drive you can be proud of.

3) Rowing – Easy one this. Just get out of bed the wrong side, growl at your reflection in the mirror, decide you are not going to mow the lawn, or trim the hedge, or do

"Yes, she's done it, that hand-off secures the Silver for Team GB's Maddy Smith"
Rowing: “Yes, she’s done it, that hand-off secures the Silver for Team GB’s Maddy Smith”

any digging and announce it in a snarly voice over a grumpy breakfast; and see your partner fly right off the handle. You’ll be in the middle of a huge row in no time and by the time one of you flings your cereal at the cat and says something you will later regret, the medal will be yours.

4) The Hundred Metre Dash Out of the Sudden Fall of Heavy Rain When You’ve Been Having a Barbecue – bit long-winded I know but a worthy event. Who can make it through the French windows first without their sausage, chicken and steak becoming so wet they are really not worth eating? Who manages to get indoors before their back gets soaked? Related events the ‘Marathon Weeding Session’ and the ‘200 Metre Hose Extension’

And the junior champion prepares to take on the big boys...
Throwing The Hammer at The Shed: And the junior champion prepares to take on the big boys…

5) Throwing the Hammer at the Shed – Why did you ever buy a self assembly shed from that famous Scandinavian emporium of cheap tealights, strangely dimensioned pillowcases and flatpack nightmares? Why does it not seem to work? What is the extra part you have suddenly discovered? Why do you have at least three nails fewer than you should and several of the others have points like cowpats? Leave it, lose it, spin around three times and hurl that hammer right through the plastic window…Goooooooooaaaaaaalllllddd! Related events ‘Throwing your Toys out of the Pram, Throwing a Fit.

Any other ideas for Olympic gardening events… just post them on our facebook page!

Have good week. See ya!    Holly


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