What is it about Zombies? Why the massive increase in Zombie related material? I mean I’m not really a Zombie type of girl – unless it comes in a tall glass with a straw – but even I have been struck by the sheer amount of interest we seem to have in the ravenous, mindless, often arm and legless, undead; shambling, crawling and groaning across our screens.
I’m more of a vampire girl myself. Surely an evening gazing with desire into the eyes of Robert Pattinson is more appealing than facing a blood-soaked walking corpse whose raison d’etre is munching your brains? But there’s no denying that what with another series of the Walking Dead coming, a number of computer and console games and the numerous zombie and ‘zombie style movies’ there have been recently, the lurching ones are very popular.
I’m sure a more clever blogger than I would draw some amazing sociological parallel between our growing interest in zombies and the continuing alienation of humans from each other, whether it’s people in the street or on public transport constantly listening only to headphones, using screens to communicate rather than face to face contact and the feeling that we are all asleep while someone out there is running our lives. But I won’t do that. Instead I’m going to give you a top five rundown of tools with which one can off these mouldy mayhem bringers.
- Lest we forget, it’s all about the brain. You have to take off the head or at least cause damage in that area. You can’t shoot a zombie in the heart ‘cos the only one they own is the one they are greedily tucking in to that formerly belonged to your poor friend that tripped over, so a good, powerful chainsaw electric or petrol, has to be number one on the Gardening Machinery Zombie Destruction list. A roar of two-stroke, a swing and you’re sorted. Just watch out for that kickback!
- If you do happen do be disturbed by the Living Dead while you are doing a spot of grass trimming with your Mitox Brushcutter don’t worry. You can act before the thing has had time to sous vide your kidneys. It takes hardly any time to change over to a three-pronged blade and then you can defend yourself properly. N.B. Don’t try offing your zombie with the trimming line… they are not proper human and it will only tickle them.
- Sean Of The Dead is a great British film in which Crouch End in North London is overrun by scary Zombies instead of the usual spooky estate agents, frightening designer coffee bars and terrifying alpha-female primary school mothers. In this film we learned that anything can be a weapon if you throw it with enough vigour at the right area. Subsequently, if you don’t have any rubbish 80s vinyl to hand, and you are surprised in your garden during a barbecue by a host of the lumbering living cadavers , you could try flinging flower pots, small tools like grubbers, trowels, dibbers, even Jerry Cans full of petrol. If your aim is true… you might survive. If not, well, now you’re the barbecue!
- Zombies, traditionally, are slow. I know some film makers have recently messed with this convention but I’m going with Romero. Zombies are slower than the service in Starbucks on a Saturday. This gives you a major advantage. If you happen to be on a decent Zero Turn Ride-on with a hydrostatic drive, get up to full power, head for the end of your lawn, do a quick 360 degree turn and mow them down. Keep your cutting height high, you don’t want to get stuck or you will have had your chips.
- Hedgetrimmers. Obviously powered Hedgetrimmers are going to feature highly up the list as they are great at snipping whilst keeping the target at arms length. However. If you’ve got petrol models, do make sure that you have kept them maintained, well-oiled and fuelled. There’s nothing worse than fruitlessly tugging at a stubborn recoil cord as the shadow of your former next-door neighbour attempts to turn your fingers into a light snack. If the worst comes to the worst you could always just hit the zombie with the trimmers and, as a very last resort, throw them in its general direction and try to distract and confuse it by shouting gardening instructions in a loud voice while you leg it.
“Oi Zombie. While you’re at it…
give that begonia a prune will you?”
So that’s it. I’m not saying you will be attacked by hordes of Zombies in the near future but if you are… you know what to do. Be prepared, get your Zombie defeating tools at MowDirect. See ya! Holly
