The Mower Wears Prada

I’ve always rather thought that mowers and fashion were inextricably tied together. In fact, as the amazing three-time Oscar winner, Meryl Streep points out in that sharp, acidic and occasionally very funny movie The Devil Wears Prada, you are wearing or reflecting fashion even when you don’t think you are. So there.

If that were not the case, why would manufacturers bother to make mowers in Ferrari red adorned with shiny chrome bits or sleek “I say chaps” sportscar shapes in British Racing Green? It seems I am now obliged to venture forth and purchase a new mower for my little city centre garden and, quite frankly I am stumped. I know my pocket-handkerchief townhouse lawn is not the place for a bold and brash petrol beast but where do I go for style in an urban-friendly world of cordless battery power, automatic robot and mains electric mowers? Is there such a thing?

Well, it seems there is. Some of the newer battery powered mowers on the market are almost as good to look at as George Clooney in a tight-fitting black ski-suit. And talking of tight-fitting black suits, I’ve seen some hyper-cool robot mowers that wouldn’t look out of place in a Batman movie…

"Holy Husqvarnas Batman... it's a Lawn mower" Husqvarna Automower ® Image © Husqvarna
“Holy Husqvarna Batman… it’s a Lawn Mower”

But is it looks that count? My friend Josh, who is one of those ‘green’ blokes who is never happier than when he’s extolling the virtues of tofu or saving some extinct animal, says cordless machines are gaining quite a following for their power-over-fumes-and-fuss balance as well as being much quieter than the average mower.

Well, quiet is what I need. My neighbours’ party hard at the weekend and they don’t like being woken by loud noises at 10.30AM on a Saturday unless it’s the DJ from the night before still going. So perhaps a shiny new cordless mower is the way to go. But Petrol, Cordless, Robot or Mains Electric, there has to be some style. Pizazz. Va-va-voom. If I go shopping for shoes I’m not looking for quiet…in fact the heavy click of a Jimmy Choo stiletto is a real head turner and you need that noise to make an impact. No, I’m looking for the pride and passion that comes with deft and daring design.

So in my dreams I imagine a glamorous gardening calendar with collections all over the world and an annual Mower Fashion Week, where the cream of up-to-the-minute mowers and proud owners parade and pout on the grass-covered catwalks of Milan, Rome, London and New York, while paparazzi cameras snap wildly as Orange-is-the-new-black Oleo-Macs flash their perfect Italian teeth at the crowd. Meanwhile, up-to-the-minute hipster-friendly, quietly purring, lime-green cordless mowers skim silently across the floor to the latest track by Pharrell Williams as svelt, scarlet Toro Zero-Turn mowers give us a proper model style twirl and retro-cool racing green Hayters glide past in suave formation proving that real style never dies.

Ah. But hey. Back to my search. Anyone got an idea what I should buy? Oh. And while we are talking about looks, I hear rumours, mainly spread by that old gossip Drew, that our own hallowed pages are going to be graced with some spanking new design soon. Sounds very cool indeed. See ya.   Holly

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