You may remember in a recent post I talked about my friend, Toby, who used to cut my hedges? I had to get a hedge pruner because he’d moved out to the country. Now he’s got a huge garden, almost as big as my folks’ spread, and a humungus lawn, sort of like the Wembley pitch only with a better quality surface and his little hover mower simply won’t cut it anymore! He’d be better off using it on his beard, as he’s now cultivated one of these Happy Hoxton Hipster type affairs and looks like he has a swarm of bees hanging about on his chin. And it is such a shame ‘cos he had a very cute Kirk Douglas dimple. Oh well.
Anyway, as he knows I write this blog, he asked me for some advice. Now bearing in mind my garden is much smaller than his, I’m not sure why he asked me, and since the Norfolk place is such a wilderness and hasn’t seen a mower since domesday, I asked my friend Drew, (after buttering him up with a pint or two of Old Ropey at the Wand and Weasel first). Drew’s got a fair sized lawn, he’s experienced in this kind of thing and much more clued up than I am on sizes and whatnot. You may have seen some of the stuff he’s written – if not click here.
Of course he was helpful but, typically, he insists on tackling everything with military precision. Every detail is mulled like a cheap wine, chewed like biltong and carefully categorised, especially when it comes to gardening stuff, so he had a whole crop of questions:
- how big is Toby’s garden?
- how much exercise does he want?
- how does he want to power the mower?
- does he want to collect the cuttings or leave them on the lawn?
- what’s his favourite colour?
Apparently that last one can really make a difference! As if.
Depending on how lazy Toby wants to be, Drew suggested that if his garden is any bigger than a tennis court, he should get a self-propelled mower. This is where the motor provides power to both the wheels and the cutting blades. Anything smaller than a court and a simple push mower would suffice. That’s where you take care of the forward movement and let the engine concentrate on spinning the blades. It can be good exercise they say.
Now, at this point I’m thinking I could fill this space with lots of technical stuff and Gucci bags full of purchasing options, but instead, knocked together by Drew at my request, here’s a quick a rough guide for you. And when I say rough I’m talking Russell Crowe, Dick Van Dyke’s English accent and King Charles Spaniels tongues here…
| Lawn size (m2) | Mower size recommended (cw in cm) |
| 0-100 | Under 30 |
| 0-250 | 30-34 |
| 100-250 | 35-39 |
| 100-500 | 40-44 P |
| 250-750 | 40-44 SP |
| 250-1000 | 45-49 P |
| 500-1500 | 45-49 SP |
| 750-2000 | 50-54cm SP (E -175 cc) |
| 1000-3000 | 50-54cm SP (E + 175 cc) |
| 1000-3000 | 55-59cm SP |
Key: cm = centimetres cw = Cutting Width.P = Push. SP = Self Propelled. M2 = Square Metres. E = Engine + = More than. – = Less than. cc= cubic centimetres (displacement)
Impressed huh? See, I’m not all prosecco, pancetta and parties. One final thing Drew said was, if Toby’s planning on being really lazy he could get an automatic mower, (which is rather like a small robotic dog with an appetite for grass) and then just sit back and watch it whizz around the garden all by itself. Sounds like some awful film that never got made…
“And the Golden Raspberry Award for worst title goes to…”
Anyway, inspired by this. here’s a list of things you could do while a robot mower does the lawn for you.
1. Pour yourself a long cold one and sit and watch the robomower work while you shout “Oi, R2D2 you missed a bit” every so often
2. Read all those books you keep telling everyone you have read although you’ve actually only watched the film (Note to self: Some Jane Austin, Most of Scott Fitzgerald, All of Charles Dickens)
3. Get into some serious baking and impress your friends with Mary Berry like cream-puff creations (and who doesn’t like a Victoria sponge finger of a Sunday teatime?)
4. Start a new hobby. Model making? Knitting? Spot welding… ooh I wonder if Flashdance is up on Netflix?
5. Write a blog. No, on second thoughts. I don’t need the competition.
Anyway. This all much too serious. Nuff. Time to pop off and dash off a congratulations tweet to Eddie Redmayne. Hoorah! The British are still coming. See ya.
